Meeting my ego
In last 10 months of freelancing, this past month has been the slowest since beginning full time. With that, my mind descended into a slow flurry: how come new clients aren't coming in? is my work not good enough? was I just getting work on dumb luck?
In the midst of my panic, I started reading "The Ego is the Enemy" by Ryan Holiday. I found a couple gems in the book:
“With accomplishment comes a growing pressure to pretend that we know more than we do. To pretend we already know everything...That’s the worry and the risk — thinking that we’re set and secure, when in reality understanding and mastery is a fluid, continual process.”
I've accomplished a few things and what I've risked is thinking that I've actually accomplished more than I have. In this bit of progress, I've felt entitled to having more (ie: more clients, better projects, etc.). When in reality, my expectations are probably out of alignment with my reality.
I can always rely on some Debbie Millman wisdom to put me back into place. As she puts it:
“The speed in which we expect things to happen for ourselves is unrealistic. Just because we can Tweet about how we feel and potentially have the whole world see it, it doesn’t mean that we could make something that fast and have it have the same kind of meaning that we want it to. And what I’ve found as I’m getting older and older now, that anything worthwhile takes time. Anything worthwhile takes a long time. ”
It's a humbling and encouraging reminder. Definitely watch her whole talk.
I think I've been grappling with the same issues, just with different appearances. Things like chasing what "success" looks like, managing daily fears , or dealing with imposter syndrome.
This past week has been a re-shift to putting my head down and getting back into the work. To put all the unnecessary thoughts aside and focus on doing what I really really like to do - make films.